# Ah-ah
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream
# And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #
(Simon) When attending a music festival, you must always wear sensible footwear...
Hm.
... partake of a nutritious diet...
... and don't worry unnecessarily about personal hygiene.
(American accent) Are you dead?
(Horn sounds)
And if you are, might I have those quirky yet intriguing beads?
Not on your life.
(Simon) I didn't always live in glamorous New York.
I grew up in positively glumorous Reading,
and the spring I was 13,
my mum started charging people to read their tea leaves,
even though rumour had it she was no Doris Stokes.
- (Pop music in background) - Ah. The leaves say...
don't perm your hair,
a bob is more your thing.
The leaves say...
avoid pop tarts, they always burn your tongue.
(# Space... Female Of The Species)
The tea bag's kind of saying...
(Simon) Ah, the famous conJoined twins from 43 Cantata Close.
...write to the Thames TV,
tell them to bring back Metal Mickey.
#Jekyll and Hyde, Join the back of the queue...
Debbie, you are not psychic.
So how comes I know what's gonna happen in Family Affairs?
- Because it's shit. - But I don't even watch it.
Debs, if you were really psychic, you'd be hearing voices, yeah?
Voices from beyond the grave.
(Simon) Fantastic.
A marvellous opportunity to create mischief.
Om...
Just listening out for my spirit guide.
Om...
Just listening out for my spirit guide dog.
- Oh, ye of little faith. - (Chuckles)
Om... mm...
(Simon) And cue mischief.
- Om... - (Indian accent) Hello, Debbie.
All right?
Mm, I've been better.
What do you wish to tell me I... I must for?
Pick a number between one and ten.
Two?
It's a sign.
Whoo! Whoo...
(Clang and thump)
Hayley?
(Door opens)
Hayley, I Just heard a voice. It sounded like the one from out of It Ain't Half Hot Mum.
- Who, Melvin Hayes? - No, the pretend Asiany one.
- Oh, the offensive one, Rangi Ram? - (Phone)
You been at the potato and baked bean wine?
(Ringing)
Hello, Hayley de Souza.
I see. Oh, I see.
Yes, I am blind but I can still say, "I see."
Oh, I'm so sorry.
- I see. - Oh, my God.
I know who it is.
Andy!
Oh. I see.
- Andy, guess who Just spoke to me. - (Irish) I'm going through my stuff.
Andy, you are not gonna believe this. Oh, my God, I don't believe it.
Look, I'm shaking. When do I shake?
When you saw George Michael skipping in John Lewis.
- Andy. - You sang I Knew You Were Waiting For Me.
You harmonised. I don't want to talk about George Michael. Guess who Just spoke to me.
- Hayley. - Mother Teresa.
Is she not dead?
Her spirit came through. Clear, Andy, as a bell.
- Whatever happened to Andy Bell? - Guess what she told me.
- Is there a prize? - Andy, I'm being serious.
- Mummy? Where's Mummy? - She's on the sofa. What's the matter?
It's Mummy's boyfriend Fido.
- He hasn't dumped her? - Debbie, she's a dog.
- No, it's worse. - He's been eaten?
- Debbie. - Can I speak? I'm having a crisis here.
As you were.
Mummy's boyfriend...
died.
Died in the middle of doing a number two.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, this is freaking me out.
Mother Teresa was right. The number two was a sign.
(Simon) Ha-ha-ha. Looked like my Machiavellian plan was working.
Blimey. How many pictures of Jesus does Granny need?
- I need to lie down. - I'll Join you.
- On my own. - Like I want to get in with you, Windy Miller.
It's the dog.
Come on. Come on, Mummy! Come on.
Ma says you can never have too many pictures of the Good Lord.
Poor thing.
The crown o' thorns looks awful uncomfortable.
So does the sombrero.
I didn't know Jesus went to Spain.
That's cousin Peter in Magaluf.
You feckin' eeJit.
(Simon) The problem with hatching Machiavellian plans when you're 13 years old
is you don't often think of the consequences
like my mother becoming obsessed with her "gift".
I know you're there, you know.
- Can you sense me? - I could smell your Anus Anus.
I had to Jump in with you. There's no one else I can turn to.
Mm, are you worried about Andy's mum? When's she being released?
Tomorrow, and it's "discharged" when you're talking about hospital.
- Depends which hospital. - Anyway, it's not that.
You see, I've been mulling it all over,
and the significance of number two is there's gonna be two deaths in close succession.
I Just know it.
- Have you seen Mr Cartwright recently? - Take a wild guess.
I put a note through saying I was going up the ASDA. I haven't heard a dicky-bird.
- I thought he would've Jumped at the chance. - Mr Cartwright Jump?
People with wooden legs can Jump, Hayley.
Girl I was at school with had a plastic ankle.
Catholic Girls trampolining champion two years on the trot.
- Hm. - Weren't bad at trotting, neither.
Has Mr Cartwright heard anything more
about the fine he got for flashing outside the girls school?
- He's appealing. - Them girls didn't think so.
Ha.
Hasn't been any sign of life from his house for ages.
- Oh! - What?
There is a girl walking past and his nets aren't twitching.
- (Knocking) - Mr Cartwright!
Oh! Mr Cartwright!
(Simon) Had she found her second death?
(Breaking glass)
(TV hisses)
Oh, Mr Cartwright.
Flashing even in death.
- Eh? - Aaagh!
Put Baywatch back on, you stupid tart!
(Simon) So although my mum's quest was far from over,
it seemed that Aunt Hayley could smell a fish.
So the worrying thing is, with Mr Cartwright still breathing, who's next?
- Remember the voice. - Yeah, all right, put a sock in it.
- (Chuckles) - You'll scare the children.
- What? - Nothing.
I'm pleased with my table decoration.
All from the garden. I've had years of pleasure from my creeping vagina.
Oh, Mum.
- Have you been hearing voices, Aunty Hayley? - Don't be so stupid.
- What would that make her if she had? - Pure mental. A basket case, a lunatic fringe.
Or psychic.
Sometimes when people hear voices it's other people playing tricks on them.
Only an evil person would do that, someone with a sick, bitter and twisted mind.
And racist, because they've been impersonating an Asian person, if they were white.
I'm not racist.
(Debbie) No one said you were. All about you, isn't it?
What the hell are you lot talking about?
- What you reading, Ashlene? - ParisMatch.
I'm thinking of moving to Paris and selling my body to existentialists on the Left Bank.
Oh. Well, it's nice to have ambitions.
Either that or I might stop on at Woolworths.
- Oh, look at Simon's face. - Oh, yeah, it's hilarious!
Bet he can't wait for his old gran to get here.
Oh, yeah, Simon. At last a bit of normality amongst the chaos, eh, Simon?
Cos, I mean, you're as pure as the driven snow.
- You'd never mess with anyone's head. - (Simon) Weird.
The person with the worst sight in our house was seeing right through me.
(# Bee Gees... How Deep Is Your Love)
(Simon) Still, she had a point.
If they ever gave out awards for nicest person on the planet...
You sit down, love. You've greater need of it than me.
... my gran would win hands down.
(Bee Gees) # And the moment that you wander far from me...
(Simon) She didn't ram her religion down your throat like some people.
(Grunting)
- But instead she led by example. - Here, take the lot.
You've greater need of it than me.
And being my gran, she spoiled me mercilessly.
Wow!
- Ha-ha-ha! - What's that?
My wedding dress.
Sure he's greater need of it than me.
Did you see the beautiful poncho he made me? Look.
But then she got a bit depressed after my grandad died
and had to go into hospital for what Mum and Dad would only tell me was...
(Both) An operation.
Little boys who mess with their mummies' heads and don't do something about it
go to hell and burn there...
for eternity.
Dorito?
Thanks for everything. Was she a Joy to look after?
She's such a love. A good Christian woman, if ever there was one. Could have been a nun.
(Sighs) Listen, love, you know, when they have this procedure,
sometimes they get a slight personality change.
- D'you know what I mean? - Oh, right.
- Come on, Ma. - I'm coming.
Come on, Andy, take a hand.
- Now gently does it. Another step. - Thank you.
There we go.
Oh! Look at that funny little thing in the chair, Andy, look at her.
Oh, well, less of the "little", actually.
Hello!
Tell me, can you hear the sleigh bells ringing?
No? Well, I'll tell you why you can't hear them ringing and why you'll never hear them ringing.
Because there's no such fuckin' thing as Santa Claus, that's why. D'you get me now?
- (# Blur... Song 2) - Ha-ha-ha!
Oh, look at this. Danny La Rue and Stevie Wonder.
Heh-heh!
# Oh, yeah #
(Simon) So although some things never change, like Ulrika Jonsson being annoying
or a crisp white shirt being the all-season wardrobe filler...
The British Airports Authority says
- that a fifth terminal at Heathrow... - (Rumbling)
(Simon)... it would appear that some things do,
...irrevocably. - (Whooping and chuckling)
Is Gran rollerskating up there?
- (Smash) - (Rumbling restarts)
- (Bumping) - (Screaming)
- Oh, Jesus, God! Oh! Oh! - (Others) Yes.
Who put those feckin' stairs there?
- Pat, thanks for this. - Oh, it's no trouble.
(Pauline) Papadopoulos couldn't get anyone to cover for me this morning.
- Nice, Mum, the liver? - Yours?
Mm, I thought I could taste the Pernod & Black.
- Nice, though, yeah? - Some people might say nice.
People who would enJoy chewing rubbery tyres.
- (EastEnders theme tune) - Can someone switch over to Corrie?
- Coronation Street, Mum, your favourite. - Gabby Northern no-necks.
- I'd shoot them all down their hairnets. - I won't be late.
- Since when did she become a floozy? - I'm not a floozy.
Oh, all right, then. A prostitute, you dirty little whore, you.
- Mum, she's not a prostitute. - No?
No. She Just dresses like one.
Well, you can't pull the wool over my eyes.
Mam, stop it. Why are you being like this?
Ah, get a backbone, will you? Or a bit of personality.
And you, ditch the halitosis, come on.
I wouldn't go in there.
Can we say good night to Gran before retiring?
Hey, you're not 65 yet.
Oh, the blind one still thinks she's funny, does she?
Mum, do you mind? The blind one happens to be my best mate.
Mates? Mates, is it now?
I'll tell you what I'd call it. A coven.
- Gran? - At least you're not wearing a dress for once.
Or is that a flame-proof nightie poking out from between your flaps?
- Gran. - Good evening, Mrs Doonan.
And who's Peter Piccaninny?
He's my friend Kylie, and we're having a slumber party like in Grease.
Olivia Newton-John?
She was a slut as well.
Ma. You can't go around using words like that.
And why not? I never lied to any of yous. If I had my own way, I'd be in a home.
- Mum. - Y'are in a home.
You're in our home and we're happy to have you here.
Oh, really?
Then why are you thinking right now, "I can't wait to see the back of that loopy bitch"?
You see? I can read your mind now.
I can see the words hanging in the air above your head.
It's a gift.
- Gran, please don't be so beastly. - Beastly?
(Chuckles) Beastly? Who do you think you are, Enid Blyton?
Well, off you go and have an adventure on Billycock Hill with your four other freaks.
(Running steps)
You've upset the poor lad.
Good. Life is hard and then you have a lobotomy.
Eurgh!
What is that shite I'm drinking?
- I've had enough of this. I'm watching Corrie. - Oh!
You have not had a lobotomy. This isn't the dark ages.
You Just had a light spot of ECT.
Name the shite.
It's potato wine. I can get you a cup of tea if you don't like it.
No, I'll make the tea. You'll save on the rat poison.
- Ma, no one is trying to poison you. - (Police sirens on TV)
What's happening?
Don Brennan's died driving Alma Sedgewick's MG Midget through a viaduct.
- That's what it looks like. - D'you think this could be the second death?
- (Advert Jingle) - (Man on TV)... stopping fast.
Oh, no, I tell a lie. It's an advert for brake pads.
You know, I've sent a psychic message to the Pope
to ask him to aid me in healing me arm.
So I'm expecting a visitation from him any minute now.
- (Doorbell) - Ah, there's His Holiness.
- Get me my merkin. - (Chuckles)
- Yes? - Is Mrs Doonan in?
- Yeah, I'm Mrs Doonan. - No. Gwen.
- Oh. Who should I say is calling? - Her fiancé.
(Pop music plays)
- Your gran's weird. - She does everything back to front now.
From now on I won't call her Gran. I'll call her Narg.
It's "Gran" back to front.
So she's had some kind of illness that's completely changed her personality?
- Hope it's not catching. - I know.
Might start liking Baddiel and Skinner.
Don't worry, Kylie.
We're never going to change. One day we'll move to London...
- # It's coming home, it's coming home... ...and live amongst the beautiful people.
- # It's coming home, it's coming... - And everything will be fabulous in our world.
# Football's coming home, it's coming home
- # It's coming... - Kylie. Shut up.
God.
- (Upstairs) Oh! Oh! - We want those close to us to be happy.
No one wants to hear their own mother be really happy.
- (Upstairs) Oh... - She said she met him in the hospital.
Do you think he's a patient?
From the smell of his raincoat, I'm guessing he weren't a senior registrar.
(Sighs)
- Aha. Ha. - Oh.
I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
Surely to God it can't go on much longer.
No, I mean her living with us. She's a bloody Saga lout.
- (Upstairs) Yes! - Oh! Oh!
- Oh! - Oh!
You know Carmelita on Descant Drive?
Twenty stone, Jaws wired, drinks purified chips through a straw?
- (Upstairs) Oh! - She's the matron of a care home.
- Council-run. Wouldn't cost a penny. - Debbie, I can't believe this. Ma's sick.
People would look after her.
How would you like it if one day you started hearing voices?
Oh. Oh, I forgot. You already have.
- (Upstairs) Oh, yes! - Oh!
- (Sighs) - Oh, yes! Oh, yes!
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! - Oh, yes!
(Hayley) She's very unnerved.
At least when you and Andy have a bunk-up, you stick Maria Callas on full blast.
- D'you mind? - She says she's a tap that's been turned off.
And I've turned her on.
She's a pioneer in the analogy field.
Well, she has been awful quiet this last half-hour, mind.
Ooh, don't think that's the second death, do you?
- What second death? - Mum all right, is she?
I need a ciggie.
(Simon) According to the law of Sod,
the minute you want to avoid something is the minute it slaps you round the face.
# It takes two, baby
# Me and you
#Just takes two...
(Andy mimicking Mother Teresa) It's a sign... sign... sign.
Two. Twol
Two. Two. Two, two, two, twol
(Liverpool accent) 'Ey, ey, calm down, calm down.
(Normal) I ain't afraid of no ghost.
Oh! You scared the living daylights out of me, Mother.
I am not your mother, Debbie, praise be to God.
(Simon) Ah, could this be a quaint Irish pastime, emptying one's wee in the sink?
(Sink gurgles)
And the infamous English equivalent...
- (Cigarette hisses) ...putting your fag out in it.
(Chuckling)
D'you like my fiancé, Ashlene? You green with envy?
No. He's old enough to be my grandad.
That's right, and very soon he will be, so hands off.
Mwah!
Mother, can we talk about you and Barry?
Big Barry, to you.
Oh, and believe me, ladies, he really does live up to his name.
- What are you looking at, you filthy tart? - I don't know, Dracula's grandma?
Ah, the mouth on it.
- Are you really serious about marrying him? - And why shouldn't I be?
Are you a racialist? That's not the way your father and me brought you up.
Andy's not a racist. Half his mates are black.
No, it's more that you picked him up in the... well, in that hospital.
Mental institutions are the latest pick-up Joints, are they?
Oh, it's a shame that you can't see,
because I am giving you such a look right now.
Andy, I know it's hard for you, me movin' on and you gettin' over your dad.
But, you know, it's like havin' piles.
It's Just something you have to live with, you know.
Look, get... get me up. Come on, get me up now.
Now, anybody want a one-armed fry-up?
- (Others) No. - All right.
- Is she gonna be safe in there? - She was always a dab hand in the kitchen.
Andy, she was always one to say her prayers and never say boo to a goose. People change.
I can't relax. What if I end up like her?
Why would you end up like that?
Look.
Mother spent 70 years of her life saying nothing apart from "Jesus loves you",
being kind, nice, bottling everything up.
- So? - So, you're not like that.
You're not that nice.
- You calling me a bitch? - No.
Kids haven't said much for a while. They OK?
- They're fine. - Ooh, Mummy still breathing?
I'm not stupid. I know you think you've had a premonition that someone's going to die.
But believe me, that's bollocks.
Nobody is going to die. Say it.
- Debbie. - Nobody's going to die.
- Say it louder like you mean it. - Nobody's going to die.
- And again. - Nobody's going to...
(Ping)
(Rattling and clunking)
- (# The Feeling... She's Gone) - What happened?
Has the Good Lord put her out of her misery?
Oh, sweet Jesus, forgive me for all the bad thoughts I had about her.
She's dead. Now she's dead and I never even told her I loved her!
- You didn't. - I did so, you cheeky mare!
- You know I did! - You know he did!
- It was your ma who didn't love her! - I did! Tell him, Hayls!
- She did. It was me who couldn't stick her. - Well, now you got what you wanted!
Oh, Andy! Though if you're having a whip-round for her wreath, count me out.
Oh, my giddy aunt! I thought I was going mad, and all along I had a gift!
Look, Simon! Simon! If you're still in the room.
If I've been funny with you lately, I apologise.
A toast!
To the best mother in the world!
Well, a few years ago before she went schizo. After that, she was pure evil.
- To Mother! - (Others) To Mother.
Narg?
Your microwave broke!
# What will be
- (Crash) - # She's gone
# Oh, I... Oh, I... I better learn how to face it...
(Simon) So, yes, that day on Melody Crescent,
the Doonan family really did learn that change is, of course, inevitable.
Oh, Christ. I'm beginning to sound like her out of Desperate Housewives.
# Get up in the morning and look in the mirror
# The morning there's a toothbrush hanging on the stand
# My face ain't looking any younger...
(Simon) And as my dad said goodbye to his mum and her lunatic leanings,
it was time for me to kiss goodbye to my own mother's mental illness.
# She's gone, oh, I...
# Oh, I... I better learn how to face it
# She's gone... #
(Phone rings)
8-5-1-9?
(Indian accent) Hello, Debbie. It is me, Mother Teresa.
I'm Just ringing to say goodbye.
I will not be speaking to you again.
You had a gift but you didn't use it.
It made you think you was going mad,
and you wasn't.
You will never hear from me or be psychic again. You got that?
Have you got a parting message?
(Sighs) Your son is very upset by the death of his gran.
Could you...
put his pocket money up?
By about...
five pounds.
(Simon) Don't feel sorry for her. She never gave me that raise.
- Those are your grandmother's teeth? - Got it in one, sunshine.
You're seriously weird.
- Wait till you see what I did with her merkin. - Yeah, right.
Water, please.
Oh, can you lend me two dollars?
That's a nice purse. I wonder what I made that from.
Ew! You're gross!
- (Laughs) - I don't know why I go out with you.
- Thank you. - Thanks.
Cos you have a thing for slightly fey British window dressers?
You? Slightly fey? Shut up.
Yes, I know, it's like saying Kerry Katona's slightly chavvy.
Is she the poor woman who was held hostage in her own home?
Yes, though why she didn't Just lay on one of her Iceland buffets I'll never know.
That would scare any gunman off.
You have experience of gunmen?
I've had the odd pistol pointed me-wise over the years, believe it or not.
And some rather nasty explosions, to boot.
That must play havoc with your psyche.
I'm trying to get the stains out of a Nicole Farhi top and hot pants
so it's no laughing matter, thank you very much.
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it show
# Don't let them go, don't let them go
# Take a beautiful dream and let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow
# Na-na-na-na-na-na, na, na-na-na
# Let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow #